Peanuts Homecoming
by BigDaddyCool1
Summary: Pilot episode for my Peanuts sitcom. Charlie Brown returns home after the death of his father, but he finds that some things in the old neighborhood have changed - and some things remained the same.
1. Chapter One

Have you ever asked the question, "What would the Peanuts gang be like all grown up?" Well I have, and I have had this idea rolling around in my head for a while now. I have always thought that it would make a good sitcom, providing that the Schultz family would give their blessing and a network would take a chance on it. So I decided to put my ideas down in black and white and tell the story myself. As for who would play whom on this show, how's this for casting: 

Lucy Van Pelt – Shannon Doherty 

Linus Van Pelt - Nicholas Brendon 

Sally Brown – This one was tricky, but I narrowed it down to either Claire Kramer or Constance Zimmer 

Charlie Brown – I always saw myself playing this part. If you have any ideas about who else could play him, let me know. 

Shermy - Abraham Benrubi (Jerry on ER) 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my version of what a sitcom about the Peanuts gang as adults would be like: 

**************************************************************************************************** 

It had been years since she had come to this house, but it felt like yesterday. 

Lucy Van Pelt walked the familiar route to the front door that she had seen many times before when she was a little girl. It seemed so long ago, why couldn't those times last forever? Why couldn't they go back to those days when they didn't have to worry about rent, bills, relationships… 

…death? 

She knocked on the familiar door and waited. She didn't have to wait too long as a very familiar face opened it. She was older now, but she still had the look of that same naive little girl she knew those many years ago. Lucy hugged the woman she knew as Sally Brown. 

"Hey Sally, how are you holding up?" 

"Oh as well as can be expected I guess. Thanks for doing this with us Lucy. I don't think I could go through this alone." 

"You're not exactly alone you know." 

"Yeah, I know but it's hard to think of him as 'the man of the house' now after all these years." 

"It's hard to think of him as a man of anything after all these years." 

"Yeah, none of us are exactly kids anymore." 

"Speaking of which, has he arrived yet?" 

"Yeah, he got in last night. He was pretty tired too. We must have stayed up till three in the morning just talking." 

"Where is he now?" 

"He's in the kitchen…baking." 

Lucy's eyebrows shot up. "Baking? Him?" 

"He says it relaxes him." 

"Oh this I've got to see." 

They quietly tiptoed into the kitchen to look. What they saw had to be seen to be believed. They found the boy they once knew dancing and singing a tune as he was flipping chocolate-chip cookies onto a plate. They recognized the song he was singing along to on the radio. It was the same song that he always got such a kick out of because he always felt it was named just for him: 

_Fe fe fi fi fo fo fum  
I smell smoke in the auditorium _

_C__harlie Brown, Charlie Brown  
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown  
He's gonna get caught, just you wait and see  
**(Why's everybody always pickin' on me?) **_

That's him on his knees, I know that's him  
From 7 come 11 down in the boys' gym  
  
_Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown  
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown  
He's gonna get caught, just you wait and see  
**(Why's everybody always pickin' on me?) **_

_Who's always writing on the wall?  
Who's always goofin' in the hall?  
Who's always throwin' spit balls?  
Guess who! **(Who, me?)** Yeah, you! _

Who walks in the classroom cool and slow?  
Who calls the English teacher Daddy-O?  
  
_C__harlie Brown, Charlie Brown  
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown  
He's gonna get caught, just you wait and see  
**(Why's everybody always pickin' on me?)**_

**************************************************************************************************** 

Later that afternoon the three of them were sitting around the dining room table going over some old photographs. Charlie Brown found one that brought back a flood of memories. 

"Sally look at this. You remember that summer?" 

"Oh yeah, yeah that was the summer where you thought you're head was starting to resemble a baseball." 

Lucy couldn't resist. "What made that summer different from any other summer? We always said he had baseball on the brain." 

Charlie Brown was ready. "As opposed to our right fielder whose only interest in baseball was her attempts to get in our catcher's pants." 

Lucy wasn't going to let that one go. "Okay, one the only reason I played so bad was so I could tick you off and drive you crazy, and two, I was six years old at the time – EWWW!" 

Sally knew the gang was back together. "Oh yeah, it's just like old times." 

Charlie Brown shook his head. "God I can't believe he kept all of these. Look at this one Sal." 

"Oh my God! Is that me?" 

"Yeah that's you." 

Sally squealed with delight. "Look at how tiny I was. God, it is so hard to believe any of us were that small." Sally looked down at herself. "What the hell happened to us?" 

Lucy entered in with "we exploded." 

Charlie Brown finished the thought. "In so many wondrous and wonderful ways." 

Sally and Lucy both looked at him. 

"What?" 

Lucy expressed the thought that no one wanted to. "I'm really going to miss your dad." 

The sadness in Charlie Brown's voice was evident. "Yeah, I am too." 

Sally was just as sad. "Yeah." 

Charlie Brown started to laugh and got a strange look from Sally. "What's so funny?" 

"You remember the time that he took us camping out to White Bear Lake , and he tried to convince us that there was a Native American curse put upon anybody who swam in the lake?" 

"Oh yeah, and then he tried to get Snoopy to growl like a bear so that we would think that the lake was somehow guarded by some native spirit?" 

"Yeah but he didn't know that Snoopy was on our side, so he kept making all sorts of noises in the bushes at night pretending to be different animals and kept waking dad up." 

"I know! You know mom told me later that it was like seeing a preview of 'The Blair Witch Project'!" 

The three of them laughed at the memory for a long time, and then fell silent again before Charlie Brown thought of something. 

"Did all of his stuff come home from the shop?" 

Lucy gave him the answer. "Actually no. Linus wanted to keep some of his stuff there with him." 

"Really?" 

"Well Charlie Brown think about it, I mean Linus and your dad were partners in the barber shop for the last ten years. It's only natural that Linus would want to have something to remember him by." 

"Yeah, I know. Speaking of which where is Linus anyway, he ought to be here." 

Lucy shook her head. "Yeah but ever since your dad died people have been going by the barber shop to pay their respects and to get their haircut by Linus. The past couple of day's people have been lining up outside the shop before it opens." 

"Really?" 

"Sure. A lot of people in this town really liked your dad Charlie Brown." 

Sally spoke up. "I don't think anybody really knew how much until he was gone. By the way have you gone by the shop yet?" 

"No not yet I've been putting it off." 

"How come?" 

"Well…I just remember going in there when I was a kid. Whenever I went in, no matter how busy he was he would always stop what he was doing and say 'Hi'. Then when he closed up at six o'clock we would walk home together." 

Lucy then broke the long silence. "Charlie, maybe you should go down there." 

"If I do that then that means this is real, that it's not just some bad dream." 

"Right." 

Charlie Brown looked at his sister and she nodded her head in agreement. 

**************************************************************************************************** 

Linus Van Pelt had never expected to stay in the town where he grew up. He never expected to fall into becoming a hair stylist, but that's exactly what happened. He was a Philosophy major at the University of Michigan when he needed to take a part-time job to earn some extra money. True, he was on a full scholarship, but a little extra didn't hurt. He took a job at a small hair salon and found how easy it was to talk to people while you were getting coffee and cookies for them as they were getting their hair done. He then took an interest in hair styling himself and found that he had a knack for it. When he came home the summer after graduation, Thomas Brown offered him a space in his own shop. 

Working for and with Tom was a joy for Linus. He not only got to do one of the things he loved which was talking with people about their problems, but he got to do it while making people feel good about their appearance. It wasn't long before Tom offered him half ownership of the shop, and a larger share of the profits. Linus happily accepted, and the two of them had been partners for the past seven years. 

Until the morning that Tom didn't show up. 

Tom seemed fine the night before and didn't give any indication that anything was wrong. It wasn't until Sally showed up at the door of the shop and Linus could tell that she had been crying that he knew that something was terribly wrong. When she had finally calmed down, Sally was finally able to tell the man she had loved since she was three the terrible news. His friend Tom had passed away in his sleep. 

Now Charlie Brown, his best friend since they were boys was back in town. How was he going to break the news to him regarding his father's last wish? He could scarcely believe that Tom had actually asked this of him. He would have to think of something fast because his old friend could walk into the shop at any point. Linus was finishing up with a customer and Charlie Brown had just come in on the tail end of the conversation. 

"…so I told Tom", the customer said. "I told him that he needed to take it easy, get some rest, and go on vacation. Live a little." 

"I tried telling him the same thing Mr. Hagemeyer. He even tried to take a vacation a couple of times but he couldn't do it. He would start to get antsy and then he would come right back here to the shop." 

"The man was a workaholic Linus, and I even told him that once. You know what he said to me?" 

"What? 

"He told me that he was a - 

- slave to the comb and scissors." Both Linus and Mr. Hagemeyer looked up to see Charlie Brown standing there in the front door. "Yeah, he used to say that to me too." 

"Charles! It's good to see you again my boy!" 

"Good to see you too sir!" and the two men hugged each other, the student and the now-retired teacher. 

"It's a shame you've missed everybody today. Everyone's been asking about you and your sister. How are you two doing?" 

"Well, we're adjusting. It came as quite a shock to both of us." 

"If ever you two need anything, from anybody in this town, you need but to ask." 

"I know, and thank you, from both of us." 

The old man hugged Charlie Brown again. "You take care of yourself, you hear? You're father would have wanted that." 

"I will." 

Mr. Hagemeyer nodded a goodbye to Linus and went out the door, leaving the two old friends standing there looking at each other. Linus was the first to speak. 

"Hey." 

"Hey." 

"How are you doing?" 

Charlie Brown found himself fighting back tears. "Okay until I came in here." Linus went over and hugged his friend who had been more like a brother. "Oh man! I couldn't believe it was real until I came in here. I guess I'm not dreaming after all." 

Linus pinched him in the ass. 

"Yeah, I'd say you're awake." 

Charlie Brown had to laugh. "Oh thanks man I needed to do that." 

"Anytime." 

Charlie Brown sat down on the couch opposite his friend. "You know I still can't believe he's gone. I keep expecting him to walk through that door any moment now and say surprise." 

"What you mean like that time he dressed up as Cher for that one Halloween?" 

"Don't remind me. I'm still doing time on the couch for that one." Charlie Brown got up and looked around the old shop. "Wow, this place hasn't changed much has it? You gonna do anything to it." 

"Nah, I want to keep it just the way it is. Your dad put so much of himself into this place that it would be a shame to change anything. Besides, I kind of like the fact that it's an old-school type barber shop. You don't see these much anymore." 

"No, I guess not. How about the name what are you going to do with that?"  


"I'm going to keep that the way it is. Somehow 'Van Pelt's Hair Emporium' doesn't have the same ring as 'Tom's Barber Shop.' Besides, someone has to keep up the tradition of broadcasting your voice over the radio." 

"You're kidding! You mean he actually listened to the show?" 

"Sure. Every single day. 9 am to noon, Monday through Friday he would tune that radio in to 'The Charlie Brown Show', and every time you would open up with 'Greetings' or 'what is up' he would point to the radio and say 'That's my boy on the radio.' God, Charlie he was so proud of you." 

"I thought he hated the show." 

"Well yeah he did, at first. But then he took the advice you always give to new listeners who are just tuning in for the first time. 'Give it a couple of weeks. If you don't like the show after a couple of weeks then you can call me up or e-mail me and say that I suck.' He considered doing it after the two weeks was up, but he thought you might take the joke the wrong way." 

"He was probably right." 

"He listened to you every day. He may not have agreed with everything you had to say, but he liked the fact that you could agree to disagree with people." 

"Hey, when you're a regionally syndicated sports-talk radio show host, you've got to learn to be flexible. Sometimes you have to be like rubber." 

"Like when you get those 'Orenthal' e-mails?" 

"On those occasions I have to have the patience of a saint! Hey shouldn't you be closing up? The girls are going to be waiting for us." 

"Yeah, just let me get my stuff, I'll be right with you." 

Linus went in the back to get his coat. Charlie Brown got up off the couch and began looking at the pictures on the wall. He came across one of the three of them when Linus became his Dad's partner. They looked so happy in that picture, and now one of them was gone. He could hear his father's voice even now. 'Friendships are hard to come by in this world. Cherish each other, cherish what you both have. You don't have to share the same blood to be a brother.' 

Linus came out of the back. "Okay, all set let's go." 

"Okay." 

They both walked out of the shop where Linus locked the door. They both took one last look inside. Things were going to be the same, but they were going to be different now. They both looked at each other, smiled, and began the walk home. 

**************************************************************************************************** 

Lucy wasn't used to being in the kitchen, but since her divorce became final she had to learn very quickly. She hated to admit that most of what she learned to do in the kitchen came from watching hour upon hour of "Emeril Live" and "The Iron Chef". The fact that she was addicted to "The Food Network" was a secret that she was going to take to her grave. She was just setting the table at the house that she and Linus now shared when he came through the door. 

"Hey Luc." 

"Hey little brother. Did Charlie Brown find you?" 

"Yeah, he came by the shop just as I was about to close up and we walked home together." 

"He left about three hours ago, where did you guys go?" 

"Oh we just took our time walking, you know? We went by the old school, walked by our old ball field; we sat on the fence we used to lean on when we were kids…" 

"We always used to lean on that fence." 

"Yeah but it's easier to lean on a 2 ½ foot fence when you're only four feet tall. It doesn't work as well when you are twice as big as the fence and your ass is sticking up in the air." 

"So what did you guys talk about?" 

"Oh…this and that…we talked about the weather…the shop…you know…stuff!" 

"Linus?" 

"So, what culinary adventure do you have planned for us this evening? What will it be this night? "Goat a la King" or "Octopus a la Orange "?" 

"You didn't tell him did you?" 

"Veal, I definitely smell veal. Yeah, that's it! Breaded with a combination of herbs and spices that makes Colonel Sanders think that he chose the wrong animal. I'll just go get washed up…" 

"LINUS!" 

"Oh come on Lucy! I couldn't tell him all right? I mean, this was the first time I've seen him in over five years! You just don't go blurting out something like that!" 

"You blockhead, you've got to go over and tell him sometime!" 

"Lucy I know that I have to tell him but it's not easy, ok? It's not even easy for me to think about. I mean in the realm of last requests, Tom's last request was a doozy!" 

"Look, I know that Tom's last request was somewhat…unusual, but you and I both know he had his reasons and we agreed with them." 

"Sure, that was while he was still alive. Now he's gone and we actually have to figure out a way we can do it!" 

"Linus, he's your friend, he should hear this coming from you…you owe him that much." 

"Yeah you're right. You're right! I mean how bad could this possibly be? I'll just say 'Charlie Brown, your dad wanted me to carry out his last wish by your side…" 

**************************************************************************************************** 

"A VIKING FUNERAL?!?!?" 

Charlie Brown could not believe his ears! 

Linus tried to rationalize his friends' last request. "Well yeah, Tom had always said that he wanted to be cremated." 

"Well yeah that I got, but I never thought that the man wanted to be set adrift in a boat on Lake Wagisagiwa so that he could light up the night, as it were! Why couldn't he do this at White's Funeral Home?" 

Lucy tried to fill in some of the blanks. "Because he didn't trust Mr. White anymore."  
  
"Oh what are you talking about; Mr. White has been offering his services to the people in this town for over forty years." 

Linus stepped in: "Yeah well lately Mr. White had been doing some things that were scaring a lot of people in this town, including your dad." 

"Like what things, things like what?" 

"Like when he tried to re-develop part of his cemetery for……entertainment purposes." 

"Entertainment purposes?" 

Linus and Lucy looked at each other before telling Charlie Brown about the fiasco. "Well about a couple of years ago Mr. White announced that he was going to use part of his land to…build a water theme park." 

Now Charlie Brown really couldn't believe his ears. "A water theme park?" 

"Inside a giant Haunted House. He was going to call it 'White's Aquaworld Emporium'. He held a press conference and everything…showed the media a model of what it was supposed to look like." 

Charlie Brown had to sit down. 

Lucy continued: "Yeah, the model's roof came off and you could see all of the little water slides inside." 

Linus made his own observation: "Personally I was looking forward to 'The Tunnel of Terror." Charlie Brown looked at him "Well, how many water slides do you know of that feature a corkscrew loop?" 

Charlie Brown was still in shock. "This is ridiculous!" 

"Look Charlie Brown your dad didn't trust Mr. White anymore. He had been saying stuff that had been scaring the crap out of people. 

Lucy came in: "Nobody knew it at the time but Mr. White had been suffering from Alzheimer's for years and never even knew it because he never saw a Doctor." 

"So someone gets him to a Doctor, end of story. Why didn't his son do anything?" 

"He couldn't, he didn't have time." 

"He didn't have time?" 

Linus finished the story "Yeah he was too busy designing the 'Nightmare from Atlantis' submarine ride. He even built little mermaids." 

Charlie Brown could only roll his eyes and get his coat. Lucy asked him "Where are you going?" 

"I am going to go talk some sense into Alex White. Maybe he'll be willing to do a favor for an old friend." 

Linus tried to warn him: "You're not going to be able to get near him Charlie Brown, his mind is made up." 

"Maybe so but it's a chance I've got to take." 

"Ok, well what about your dad?" 

"What about him?" 

"What about his last wish?" 

"Don't worry, he's going to get his last wish. Only he's going to be cremated in the proper and traditional fashion." 

Lucy reminded him: "But that's not what he wanted!" 

"I know that's not what he wanted. But when he made that request he forgot about one, teeny, tiny detail. He forgot that it was illegal! If we were to do this, then we would have to do this in secret! He had a lot of friends in this town, and I want them all to have an opportunity to say goodbye! I don't want the disposal of his body to have to be carried out in hiding so that we won't run the risk of ending up in the hole. I want all of his friends and family to be there to say goodbye to him! I don't want to dispose of his remains sneaking around like some thief in the night. He deserves better than that, and I'm going to get it for him." Charlie Brown then slammed the door behind him as he left the house. 

Linus and Lucy just stood there for a moment, and Linus was the one who broke the silence. 

"That went well." 

**************************************************************************************************** 

Have no fear you won't have to wait long to see how this all turns out. I'm working on the second half of this show as we speak. 


	2. Chapter Two

Thanks for the reviews that have come in so far. A lot of points that were made were valid and worthy of consideration. I know that some of the dialogue might be a little on the rough side, but remember, this is only the pilot. Suggestions for casting are always welcome as well, like Drew Barrymore to play Sally was a good choice, although I don't know how willing she would be to do television. Alicia Silverstone would be good as well as I thought of her the other day. As I was watching 'Happy Family' the other night I thought of another one that I think would be just perfect – Jamie Pressley. 

So, now that we have come back from commercial…

********************************************************************************************** 

It took Charlie Brown about 45 minutes to get down to 'White's Funeral Home', and he used that time to figure out exactly what he was going to say to his old friend. He had been going over in his mind as to what Alex would say to him, and he had come up with a few counterpoints himself. Charlie Brown was all set to persuade Alex to see things his way when he opened the door to the funeral parlor… 

…and stepped onto the backlot of 'The Little Mermaid.' 

Charlie Brown could not believe his eyes. Everywhere you looked there was some cvitchy object that looked like it was a refugee from a nautical yard sale. There were fisherman's nets hung up in one corner, all sorts of plaques depicting mermaids on the walls, and several steering wheels from boats lined up all over the place. Charlie Brown thought he was in some kind of nightmare, when he got his wake-up call. 

"Avast there me matey!" It was none other than Cornelius White, the old man himself addressing him in full sailor's gear. Assuming that his rank was Admiral of course. Mr. White started walking over to the visitor who was standing on his bridge. "Seems we has a landlubber aboard. States ye business and be quick about it!" 

Was it Charlie Brown's imagination or was he trying to sound and look just like Popeye? 

"Uh, Mr. White, it's me, Charlie Brown. I wanted to talk to Alex about…" 

"Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown, ah yes, we has a Brown here. Barber by trade, was called down to Davey Jones Locker." 

"Yeeeeah. Well anyway…" 

"I take it you've come to see your father then son. Wantin to talk about his final resting place." He put his arm around Charlie Brown. "Well fret not me boyo, I know just the thing that you be wanten." He then started to speak in his normal voice. "Well what do you think?" 

There were so many thoughts going through Charlie Brown's mind at this point that he didn't really know what to think first. That this man was a lunatic, that Linus and Lucy were right, that he should get out of here before he was made to walk the plank. 

"What do I think?" 

"About the gimmick? You think maybe the voice is a little too much? I always thought it gave me that 'Old Salt of the Sea' edge, but everybody says that I sound more like Long John Silver." 

Charlie Brown decided that if he was going to get anywhere he was going to have to play along – at least for now. 

"No, no, it works it really does." 

"Really? Oh that's a relief, I wouldn't want everyone to think that I had gone crazy you know, that the old man's lost it." 

Charlie Brown smiled, "Oh no, I'm sure nobody thinks that." 

"Well I'm sure that some people do, but that's all right. They'll all come around to my line of thinking, you'll see. Now what can I do for you young Master Brown?" 

He hadn't been called "Master Brown' since he was 12! Oh well… 

"Actually it's about my fath…" he got out before he tripped over a rowboat. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa are you all right there young man?" 

"I'm fine thanks." 

"I keep telling those swabs to clear these decks. I'LL KEELHAUL THE LOT OF YA FOR INSUBORDINATION!!! Now, you were saying?" 

"Maybe this is a bad time…" 

"Oh no, no, no, no come now there's no time like the present. Out with it. You wish to discuss your father's disposal I take it?" 

Finally, now the old man was getting lucid again. "Yes, yes I do. I'd like to discuss my father's…disposal." 

"Well, why didn't you say so? Come on, let's sit down and talk business." The old man went behind his desk and sat down. "Please, sit." 

The only thing he could sit on was a short canvas deck chair that looked as if it had salvaged from the Titanic. Oh well, when in Rome … 

"I wanted to uh.." he had to shift in his seat to try to get comfortable. "I wanted to talk about (shift) his uh (shift) uhgh (shift) I (shift) I (shift back) guh (shift, oh what's the use) he wanted to be cremated." 

"Yes I heard, a Viking Funeral, I think it's a marvelous idea!!!" 

"You do?" 

"Well of course, it would be a perfect opening to the new section of the water park dedicated to our Viking Heritage. I plan on calling it Vallhallaland." 

"Catchy." 

"Oh, but where are my manners? You're not properly dressed in the attire befitting a gentleman of your station!" 

He reached under his desk and pulled out an 18th Century Admiral's Hat that was three sizes too big and put it on Charlie Brown's head. It promptly fell over his eyes. 

"Now, how do you wish to proceed Commodore?" 

"Sigh" 

**************************************************************************************************** 

There had been no word from Charlie Brown since he had left, and the others were getting worried. Lucy looked out the window again. "It's been over four hours, where is that blockhead?" 

Sally finished off another chicken wing. "Relax, I'm sure he's fine. He and Alex are probably talking about baseball, as usual." 

Linus corrected her: "Sal, you know he doesn't like to talk much baseball anymore except when he's doing his show." 

"Well maybe they went out someplace to catch up. It's been a few years since they saw each other you know." 

Lucy got in a word: "When was the last time they saw each other?" 

Linus answered: "Not since Mrs. Brown's funeral." Just then Linus' cell phone rang. "Hello, Alex hey how ya doin'? Is Charlie Brown with you? Really? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uhhh huuuuh. Really? Oooook, listen buddy if you see him tell him that we're looking for him ok? Ok, thanks Al…what? No, no I haven't gotten the subscription packet for the 'Atlantis Hotel and Kelp Lounge'. Yeah I'll be sure to look for it in the mailbox. Yeah I'm sure that the Minnow Package is very exciting. Ok, ok, thanks little buddy." He hung up the phone quickly. 

Lucy asked him "Great, so now what?" 

Linus got up to get his coat "I'm gonna go look for him. Sally you'd better stay here in case he shows up. If he does, I've got my cell phone with me." 

Lucy got her coat on. "I'm going with you." 

"No I'm going to need you next door in case he calls our house." 

"Sally will be able to here it from over here, right Sal?" 

Sally answered: "Oh sure, just give me a minute to adjust my bionic ear to the right frequency and I'll be able to hear a dog whistle." 

Linus turned back to Lucy "Look I don't need to be worrying about you wandering out there in the dark too." 

Lucy furrowed her brow "Oh please, I've got a stun gun, pepper spray and PMS. Who's going to mess with me? Look Linus, he's my friend too. He was there for us when Mom and Dad both died. Now it's our turn to be there for him, ok?" 

"You know Lucy, there are times when you are actually a sweetheart." 

"I know, but don't let it get around will you? I have a reputation to protect." 

Just then Charlie Brown walked in the door…with a glazed look on his face. He closed the door behind him, took his coat off and reached out to hang it on the coat rack. He didn't even notice that he had missed the peg and the coat fell to the floor as he moved towards the kitchen. 

Linus stopped him: "Charlie Brown?" 

"Mmm?" 

"Are you all right?" 

"Mmm-mm." Charlie Brown kept walking into the kitchen. Linus, Lucy and Sally followed him in. 

Lucy tried to get him to talk: "Charlie Brown, what happened? Alex called, he said he never saw you. Where were you?" 

Sally spoke up: "Yeah big brother, we were all worried sick." Linus and Lucy both looked at her. "What?" 

Charlie Brown spoke: "I was at the Funeral Home." 

They all gasped. Lucy said "Oh no!" 

"Oh yes!" 

Linus said: "Just tell us you didn't run into old man White!" 

"I did not run into old man White." 

They all breathed a sigh of relief "Oh thank God!" 

"Only I did." 

"WHAT?!?" Sally: "You just said that you didn't run into old man White!" 

"Hey, he asked me not to!" 

Linus asked what should not have been asked: "So, how was it?" 

"It was incredible. Incredible I tell you. I walk into the door of the funeral parlor and all of a sudden I find myself on the backlot of 'Pirates of the Carrebian'. I half expected Johnny Depp to come out as Jack Sparrow welcoming me to his nightmare. Did we find the key to the liquor cabinet yet?" he asked as he walked back into the living room with his friends following him. 

Lucy reminded him "Charlie Brown, you don't drink." 

:Hey listen, if you spent the last two and a half hours listening to his plans to raise the Titanic to use it as a decoration for his life-size pleasure aquarium then you would start drinking too." He sat down on the couch with his head in his right hand, rubbing his forehead. 

Linus spoke up "Is this the part where we get to say we tol…" The girls elbowed him in the stomach. 

"I've got a problem. My father wanted to be cremated, but the way he wants to do it is illegal. I mean I can't go and fulfill his last wish without risking getting caught. But on the other hand, I can't trust old man White not to turn around and encase his remains in his giant statue of King Neptune." 

Linus sat down next to his friend "Don't worry pal, we'll figure something out." 

Lucy: "Somehow we'll be able to get all of your dad's friends there for the funeral." 

SallY: "And if the worst thing happened you'd be able to pass around the hat for bail money." 

Everybody looked at Sally. 

"What, its only funny when he does it?" 

Charlie Brown said "You kind of have to pick your moments". 

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The next night, Charlie Brown and Linus went out to Lake Wagisagiwa with a can of kerosene, a box of matches…and an empty boat. Charlie Brown asked "Are you sure about this?" 

Linus answered "Sure I'm sure. We practice doing this with an empty boat. We choose a secluded spot to set it adrift and light it up. If nobody spots us or the boat then we know we have the right spot. Then we can tell a few of your dad's closest friends about it, swear them to secrecy, come back here tomorrow night and do it for real. Simple." 

"Linus I just don't feel right sneaking around like this" said Charlie Brown as he pushed the boat towards the lake. "Besides, what if the trees catch on fire?" 

"If we shove the boat out into the water far enough then it won't even come near the trees. I'm telling you, nothing could possibly go wrong." 

As if on cue, a police siren sounded and flashing blue and red lights appeared behind them. After a pause to assess what had just happened, Charlie Brown spoke. "Linus…if we ever…do something this crazy… and if you ever ask me…what could possibly go wrong,…I am going to kill you." 

The officer shone a light on them "All right, just what do you two idiots think you are doing here?" The boys turned around with their hands in the air. Charlie Brown began to say "Well we were just…" but Linus cut him off. "We were just looking for recyclables officer. You know, paper, wood, aluminum. Just trying to do our part to keep the environment clean." 

The officer took a closer look at them. "Linus?" 

Charlie Brown recognized his former First Baseman. "Shermy?" 

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A couple of hours later, there were a lot of people milling around the clearing that Charlie Brown and Linus had been caught. Shermy was trying to get the whole story… 

"Ok let me get this straight, you guys were going to rehearse a Viking Funeral on an empty boat to make sure that you weren't seen, then come back here tomorrow night to try to do it for real?" 

Linus tried to spin it, sort of. "Well yeah, but it's not as bad as it sounds." 

"How bad do you think it sounds?" 

"With time off for good behavior I'd say about 18 – 24 months." 

Shermy had to laugh, "Guys I don't know what you were so worried about. A Viking Funeral is perfectly legal in Pinetree Corners." 

Charlie Brown couldn't believe his ears. "Come again?" 

Shermy continued: "Yeah, you guys forget that this town and the county were formed by Scandinavians. When the town was formed they wanted to preserve part of their Viking heritage. So they wrote it into the town charter that Viking Funerals were a perfectly legal form of disposing of a dead body. So you guys had nothing to worry about." 

Charlie Brown and Linus looked at each other in amazement. Charlie Brown said "Boy, that's a relief; I thought that we would have to do some jail time or pay a fine for even trying this." 

Shermy said "Oh now you guys are going to jail. I mean you did steal a boat, that's Grand Theft Watercraft." He let this go for a minute before he told them "Gottcha." Shermy then walked away to take care of a few more details. 

Linus put his arm around Charlie Brown "Well buddy, it looks like Tom gets to have his last wish after all. And look, most if not all of his friends are here to say goodbye. So it looks like you both get what you wanted." 

Charlie Brown could only manage a weak "Yeah." 

"You ok?" 

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm fine." 

Lucy walked up to the boys with Sally. "Hey guys, they're just about ready." 

Linus turned to his friend "OK, you ready for this?" 

Charlie Brown looked at all of them. "Guys, could you give me a minute?" 

"Sure, sure." 

"Thanks." Charlie Brown walked off to be by himself for a while. 

Linus turned back to the girls. "Well shall we go and pay our last respects?" 

Lucy said "Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up in a minute." 

Linus agreed. "Ok. Sally, you ready to do this?" 

"As ready as I'll ever be. Thanks for being here with me Linus. It makes it easier knowing that I'll be going through this with my sweet baaboo" and then Sally walked towards the gathering. Linus hung his head and as he followed her he said "I am not your sweet baaboo!" 

Lucy went over to where Charlie Brown stood, looking out at the water. :You ok?" 

"This is real isn't it Luc? He's really gone, isn't he?" 

"Yeah." 

Charlie Brown took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Who's going to take care of me now?" 

"Is that what's been bothering you? You've been afraid that because your father is gone that you'll have no one to look after you? Look around, there's a town full of people here who want to take care of you now. And they'll do it gladly because your dad took care of them for so many years. It's their way of paying him back." 

"I just wish I could have said goodbye." 

"Are you sure that's all you want?" 

Charlie Brown had to fight back tears at this point as he finally told his friend what he really wanted most of all. "I want to come home." 

"I thought so." 

"I can't do this alone Lucy…" 

"You don't have to. I'm here, Linus is here, Sally is here. You know your father said something to you and Linus a long time ago. Back when he made Linus his partner. Do you remember what it was?" 

"You don't have to be blood to be family." 

"Right." 

"Thanks doc." 

"No problem." Lucy paused for a few seconds before thinking of the last thing she should say. Even though she was a board certified psychiatrist now, she just couldn't resist this little dig. She put out her hand and said "Five cents, please." 

Charlie Brown had to smile at the memories that just brought back. He looked at her and said the one thing he had wanted to say to her all those years ago. "Put it on my tab." 

The two friends smiled and laughed at each other. It felt good. They needed that. 

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	3. Tag

Whenever you see a small scene during the closing credits of a sitcom, that is what is known as the "tag". For the tag of these stories, outtakes from the show will be shown: 

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"He told me that he was a - 

- slave to the comb and scissors." Both Linus and Mr. Hagemeyer looked up to see Charlie Brown standing there in the front door. "Yeah, he used to say that to me too." 

"Joseph! It's good to see you again my boy!" 

"Good to see you too sir! And by the way, my name is Charles." 

"Oh God, that's right!" Laughter broke out on the set. 

"Joseph is the guy who thinks he's doing a good job playing me." 

(beep beep) 

"Oh come on Lucy! I couldn't tell him all right? I mean, this was the first time I've seen him in over five years! You just don't go blurting out something like that!" 

There was a long pause. "Something…like…what again?" 

They all laughed. 

(beep beep) 

Lucy reminded him: "But that's not what he wanted!" 

"I know that's not what he wanted. But you know what, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just remember my damn lines!" 

Everybody on the set cracked up. 

"You're sure we've been picked up, right?" 

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Insert Bosco Productions graphic with voice over: 

"B-B-BOS! (clap, clap, clap clap clap) 


End file.
